Scientists at the University of Karakao have discovered what is purported to be evidence that plants have feelings. After gathering empirical data that shows that plants that are played soothing music from soft pop and indie movements have a higher growth rate, graduate students under the direction of Dr. Hilgeberger, the renowned botanist from the Oslo Institute of Plant Advancement, placed small but powerful microphones next to the vegetables being grown in the laboratory.
They expected to capture the sound of the plants growing but were surprised to hear tiny soothing sounds coming from the plants when the music was turned off. “It was like little voices talking back and forth to each other” explained grad student Kaci Simmons of Norfolk, Va. The grad students were then assigned to see if the little voices were nothing more than growth sounds scientists have never heard, or actual communication between the plants. In a series of studies and experiments it is now believed to be actual communication.
Further study shows that when vegetables are picked they emit little sounds that resemble screams of terror. Some of the screams would continue until 70% eaten in the case of fresh vegetables or in the case of lima beans and others until dropped in scalding water. Jason Upshaw, a graduate student and part time florist said “A little of me died when I heard the recordings. I now realize that I have been causing pain and suffering not only for my own nutrition, but for pay at the florist which makes me equivalent to a plant mercenary. I called in and quit my job and have been living on nothing but mineral water since.”
A social awareness group going by the name of PULP (People Uniting for Living Plants), has vowed to disrupt vegan festivals worldwide by splattering participants with green dye to signify their spilling of defenseless plant chlorophyll. “We won’t stop until every plant is protected” claimed an unidentified spokesperson for the group.
Federal authorities have not taken our requests for a response seriously and stated that they were looking into the situation. We find this hard to believe because it took us almost an hour to decipher what they said due to all the laughter in the background.
Have a great day and don’t make any veggies scream!