Retired Life

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.


Yesterday my darling wife received the following letter from the local Target:


Dear Mrs. ######,


Over the past five months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.


Our complaints against your husband, Mr. ######, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:


1. November 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.


2. December 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.


3. December 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.


4. December 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares, get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.


5. January 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.


6. January 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.


7. January 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.


8. January 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.


9. February 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.


10. February 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.


11. March 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.


12. March 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ using different sizes of funnels.


13. March 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’


14. March 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’


15. March 23: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?


And last, but not least:


16. March 26: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.


Ralph ######

Target #1653


I found this posted on one of the forums I frequent and found it made me smile.  I hope it gave you the same results it gave me.  Have a great day!



About The Rural Iowegian

I am the Rural Iowegian of a published author and an award winning photographer. I use this space to speak my mind. God Bless.
This entry was posted in Humor, Writing. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Retired Life

  1. The White Crayon says:

    This made me laugh! 🙂

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