One day on a barren planet where there were volcanoes erupting everywhere and not only was the air not compatible with life, but the temperature of the planet was unconducive to life too. This planet existed in orbit around the nearest star and without life anywhere, the situation was pretty much copacetic as lifeless universes go.
Then came a mighty storm and lightning was striking all around. In a single cesspool of chemicals a physical reaction happened. Where there was no life before, a single celled creature appeared in the mire. Discovering it was lonely, it divided into two identical cells so it could have company. The problem with two identical single cell creatures is they are identical. One would start a sentence and the other would complete it. There was no one to stimulate thought so they both agreed to divide again and make four single celled creatures in hopes that they could stimulate interesting conversations or at least sit down and play a hand or two of Bridge or Hearts. But alas, once again they were all identical in appearance and thoughts. Still, every once in a while they would split again in hopes of diversity.
Eons pass and now the liquid parts of the planet are covered in these single celled creatures that all thought and acted exactly alike because of the currents that would wash some creatures to other neighboring pools. Then those were washed to yet more pools, etcetera and so forth. There was never any disagreement, but life was extremely boring. That being the condition, the original single celled creature decided that if he could find a quiet place to concentrate while splitting, he could create a better him. So off he went behind a rock in the water and reproduced himself.
For the sake of this story we’ll call that first creature “Frank”. Having split so much in his life, Frank had another creature similar to him, but this one was a little different. Not to upset anyone who might have children with special needs, all I’ll just say this new single celled creature was very special. Also for the sake of this story, we’ll call the new special cell “Bob”.
One day while swimming near the edge of the cesspool, Bob was washed up on shore. This had happened the other single celled creatures many times before, but they all knew to swim back into the pool as the wave receded; but not Bob. He sat there for a long time watching life outside the pool and when he finally decided to return to the mire, to his dismay he had become stuck. His little hairy fins dried up, becoming attached to the rocks on the shoreline and could no longer be used to propel him around. Making the best of his situation, Bob would sit along the shoreline and talk to all of his cousins about the great view and how much space he had all to himself.
Back in the cesspool, other special single cell creatures were becoming more and more frequent and those who were special listened with interest to Bob’s story of what life was like outside the pool. Eventually enough special cells joined Bob that his view wasn’t so great anymore because it was blocked by other special cells.
Frank saw what was going on inside and outside the pool and decided it was all too weird and committed cellocide, (that’s where one single cell creature approaches another stronger single celled creature and initiates discourse with sayings like “Your mama had a leg!”). The turnout at Franks’ farewell was swimming room only and directly after the three second service (the attention span of a single celled creature is not very long), they went back to their daily routines of swimming around and splitting into two equals with some of them being a few genes short.
On the bank of the pool life was getting really overcrowded and Bob was about to go completely celibate when he noticed that when he split his new cell would be quite a bit lighter than him and on days when it was windy that new cell would be blown to parts unknown. So Bob spoke with the special cells on the bank and they all agreed only to split on windy days to keep the bank of this pool from getting any more congested.
Eons more pass and soon enough all the dry land and the pools were over populated. Food sources for the single celled cesspool creatures were running really slim by now. Before when one of Bob’s friends fell in the pool, the swimmers would just throw it up on the shore. Now, one inherently mean cell looked at one of the cells that had landed off course and decided the chances of this creature being related was slim, and he ate the new non-swimmer; and it was good!
Soon other swimming cells were gobbling up errant non-swimmers and they started to grow. They divided into TWO cells with one cell was the head cell where nutrition was taken in and the other, well suffice to say the other’s job wasn’t so glamorous.
Some of the back cells became unhappy and were threatening to form a union and strike for half time dedication to head cell duties. But the rear cells weren’t necessarily the brightest cells either and were convinced by the head cells that the rear cells had it easy because the rear cells didn’t have to chase down the prey. They didn’t realize that their prey couldn’t swim and all they had to do was wait for one to land nearby.
Now with all the swimmers eating the non-swimmers and growing into two cells, and there were rumors that other cesspools had creatures who had grown into eight cells, the overpopulation problem was again getting out of tentacle.
Frank’s 150 millionth great grand cell, who we’ll call Jimmy, came up with an idea. He talked his rear cell into using only four of its tentacles to move them around. Soon enough Jimmy had some massive tentacles that after a few tries could move him around on dry land. Some of the other swimmers claimed Jimmy was using outlawed androgens to grow tentacles so big, but they couldn’t prove it because there weren’t any testing labs way back then.
Other swimmers saw how well Jimmy was doing on the dry land, eating as he went along and growing bigger that they decided to try his way out. Some made it and others didn’t but at least the strain on the original cesspool (or Frank, Bob and the other early guys claimed it was the original), was relieved. Once again it is all speculation as they didn’t keep records back then.
The single celled creatures on the shoreline, because they could not move, fell easy prey to Jimmy and those who followed him because they could only stand there and watch Jimmy approach. It is rumored that Jimmy even ate his ancestor Bob. The other non-movers soon saw what was happening and through a collaboration with other cells, every time they split, instead of sending their young into the wind, they used them go grow larger. By doing so, not only did their tender new cells grow up out of the reach of Jimmy and his gang of hooligans, but they could see further away at these great new heights and share their views with all the other non-movables.
As the non-movables grew larger, the swimmers and walkers now had to adapt to the new environment to sustain their life. As millions of eons passed again there was a wide arrangement of movable creatures (animals) and non-movable creatures (plants). The animals not only preyed on plants, but also on other animals.
Now here is the truly amazing part! Not only did the animals adapt to their environments, but somewhere along the line divided themselves into sexes too so they would not have to divide to create more life forms! Just think, had they done this way back with Frank, he would have had someone to argue with and clean up after him.
Now understanding what evolutionists have been preaching for years, I have started planting walnuts in the yard in hopes that one of them some day will produce a giraffe.
And these guys who believe this say Creationism is simpleminded and farfetched!